The Adventures of Me and My Pioneer Rabbit

My pioneer rabbit guards our catch of cod while I take a swim.
…sitting on the dock of the bay.
My pioneer rabbit flies a kite with a key while I watch from a safe distance.
…testing some theories.
My pioneer rabbit parachutes out of my plane with our loot.
…making a million dollar getaway.
My pioneer rabbit and I in a barrel, barreling toward the threshold of Niagara falls.
…practicing our Houdini moves.
My pioneer rabbit and I furiously working a hand car.
…on the lam from the chain gang.
My pioneer rabbit and I sit stealthily behind some foliage while on safari.
…on wild safari.
My pioneer rabbit and I watching the boob tube on a mustard yellow couch.
…watching some white noise.
My pioneer rabbit was not on board with testing out some water skis.
…stretching the limitations of water skis.
My pioneer rabbit and I decide that camels are onto something. "Stay here, trusty rabbit, I'm going to get help."
…on a dusty trail to nowhere.
After traversing the bone dry plains of the desert, me and my rabbit took plotted our next adventure in more hydrated climes. Our crew assembled and gear prepared, we were in search of hidden treasure, but even I was surprised by my rabbit's underwater prowess.
...searching for sunken treasure.
When the space program ran out of Russian dogs to send into orbit, they called upon my pioneer rabbit to explore the reaches of deep space. We knew his twitchy nose and nimble hop would be put to the test when our mission to gather moon rocks was revealed, but it was an opportunity we couldn't pass up..
...gathering moon rocks.
Ever since we'd taken the helm from the last Dread Pirate Rabbit, my pioneer bunny and I had been living large. Swashbuckling, saving princesses, shouting "Shiver me timbers!" from the fore mast. Ahh, life on the high seas.
...marauding on the high seas.
Due to a run in with some flocked moose, my pioneer rabbit and I were a bit lat on the game for Christmas present buying. As you can see, we barely made it out of the shopping melee alive.
...surviving last minute holiday shopping.
We hadn't planned on doing anything big for New Year's, but my rabbit wanted to go out. As the evening progressed, however, it was clear that my rabbit's plans had take a turn for the worse. Some would say he was drowning his sorrows in drink...in reality he was just drowning.
...ringing in the New Year.
With such a high propensity for thrill-seeking adventure, it wasn't long before my rabbit had concocted a plan to rival our Houdini "barrel in a rushing river" triumph. This time, he planned to traverse the buildings of New York via tightrope. The police had alternative thoughts about this dream.
...completing feats of tightrope drama.
After all that we had been through, I thought it was be nice to plan a nice relaxing get-a-way for my rabbit and I. What better than the northern and most remote state of the US, where we could cuddle in an igloo and drink cocoa. We even got to see the northern lights, a sign to behold!
...watching the northern lights.
After watching Wallace & Gromit: The Wrong Trousers, my rabbit got a feather up his butt and decided to go roque. Yes, he wanted to heist some local jewels, and darned if he didn't have a plan. If somebody ever tells you a rabbit can't rappel upside down through laser beams of museum security...well, I will vouch that they can.
...pulling off a heist.
After touring the livestock showings and the rodeo, my rabbit and I decided it was time for more lighthearted competition - the County Fair carnival games! Somehow my rabbit got roped into the sharp shooter game, but not in the way he would have liked. As burley rednecks lined up for a shot, we feared this county fair might be his last.
...at the county fair.
Our adventures have taken us to faraway lands and delicate situations, so my rabbit and I thought we should relax with an old-fashioned road trip. Instead of the class route 66, we chose to burn rubber on Oregon's highway 97. Unfortunately, our adventuring skills didn't make up for missing the sign that read "No Gas for 345 miles". Yep, our roadtrip was now reliant on our thumbs, of which my rabbit had none.
...thumbing a ride on Highway 97.
After entering the derby, it was quickly decided that my rabbit would be the driver. After all, the pinewood derby car was bit small for me. So we set about making the fastest racing machine we could, and no expense was spared: custom rims, jaunty racing scarf, glossy enamel paint job...
...going to the derby car races.
My pioneer rabbit was finally exacting revenge on the previous ills I had committed toward him. An idyllic trip to the seashore quickly turned sinister after I realized that burying me in the sand wasn't such an innocent activity. As the waves lapped closer, my pleas didn't seem to faze him. My rabbit had a heart of stone.
...at the seashore.
Leave it to my pioneer rabbit to accidentally reenact Don Quixote during our scenic tour of Holland's historic windmills. While I didn't find it very amusing, the tour bus we were traveling with sure got their money's worth.
...combating wind power.
Even though he was planning on being stowed in the overhead bin and required nothing more than a small cupful of water and some pre-packaged carrots, my rabbit had to get his own passport. Boy, did the government lady look at us strangely when I told her to put down Briar Patch as country of origin.
...traveling with passports.
Me and my pioneer rabbit like a good getaway to the quiet of the woods. I warned my small friend that his marshmallow whittling skills seemed to be overly optimistic. Suddenly, the peaceful crackling of the campfire was amplified by a million little rabbit ear hairs.
...catching marshmallows on fire.
Grandma Rabbit had asked for new family portraits, so me and my pioneer rabbit were off to the photographers for some official portraits. Between the nose-twitching, ear-flopping and multiple-book chair-height adjustments, I didn't think we would ever get the right shot!
...getting official photographs taken.
My pioneer rabbit and I thought that a nice romantic hot air balloon trip would put some of our past harrowing adventures behind us. But as these things go, the idyllic countryside wasn't so enjoyable when viewed from the taut vantage of an errant tether.
...hot air ballooning.
Traveling abroad for adventure is fun and all, but a trip to the Wild West is something you can only do in the good ol' US of A. The rodeo was calling and my rabbit answered by entering into the bronc riding contest. You should have seen the look on that rodeo clown's face when he saw my Leporidae flying through the air at him.
...rodeo style.
After our last adventure my rabbit and I were in need of some recuperation, specifically in the mental arena. The head doctor's office was seven different shades of beige, the water a perfect 72 degrees, and the fainting couch oh-so-comfortable. After an hour of whisker twitching, we were ready to go again.
...at the head doctor.
It's no secret that the Pacific Northwest breeds a special sort of winter gloom. The rain comes in many forms and fashions including big drops, small drops, wetter than usual drops, sideways drops, stinging drops, and drench-fest drops. The weather could be summed up as "bleh". Until you lose your umbrella, and then the weather is "BLERG!".
...on just another rainy day.
My rabbit had underwater experience from our trials at finding sunken treasure, but climbing a fish ladder turned out to be a whole other story. Fish of all sizes and dispositions swimming upstream while being counted and measured by professional and unprofessional humans alike. At least there were no bears waiting for dinner at the top of the ladder...
...traversing the fish ladder.
Pioneer Rabbit stands at attention for Dannebrog, the oldest flag in existence.
...going abroad.
You never know when a door will open in front of you, or in this case, a hole in the ground. My rabbit looked around him, at the rainbow and the clouds, at the green grass and the flowers, at the clear bright sky, and then he took a leap and went down the rabbit hole.
...jumping down the rabbit hole.
Usually we were the ones caught under the searchlight, but this time, we were the ones doing the searching. The shipping logs from the fjord house had shown an unmarked Polish ship heading towards the harbor. So we set out in the dark of night to investigate, and weren't disappointed in the nefarious activities that were ****SHHHKKKK****###!!!!!!****KKKKKSHHHH****OVER OUT.
...helicoptering reconnaissance.
Alone on a rocky perch overlooking the high seas, my rabbit was deep into a Paul Simon impersonation phase. After reciting I Am A Rock, I Am An Island over and over again, it had come to this. Also, can you find the weather-related inaccuracy in this image?
...reenacting melancholic Paul Simon songs.
My pioneer rabbit had been pondering his roots lately, and like any good forefather decided to write his ideas down on paper to guide his one-rabbit nation. A lack of opposable thumbs and his desire for clarity resulted in a one word Declaration of Independence: PURSUIT. The document struck a chord, and was later exhibited in great halls such as the Modern Museum of Art, the National History Museum, and at the Black Rabbit Coffee Shop.
...declaring independence.
You would THINK that after so many mishaps UNDERWATER that my pioneer rabbit would be a little more cautions. But when the neighborhood plastic flamingos invited him over for a pool party, he fell for it hook, line and sinker. It was only after the neighbors called that I was able to go fish him out from a very ill-fated game of Marco Polo. Rabbit, will you ever learn?
...playing Marco Polo.
After watching Charles and Ray Eames short movie Factors of 10, my pioneer rabbit wanted to see the actual scale of the universe for himself. No small task, but my little bunny has powers of determination not found in many man or beast. All he said when he returned was "You won't believe the view from up there!".
...admiring the view from outer space.
Every once in a while it's nice to take a low-key adventure. No trips to the moon, no marauding pirate ships, no wild safari close calls. Just a nice ride in a safe sidecar to see the sights. The thing is, nobody tells you that scarf length is a key factor in disaster when operating open-air vehicles. Yes, foiled by a scarf. You'd think we were amateurs.
...being sidecar sidekicks.
It started out innocent enough - a quest to correspond with the unknown, an empty wine bottle, and...my pioneer rabbit inadvertently getting propped into the glass vial instead of the message we can composed. I suppose I'm glad I really corked that bottle good, but I sure hope he doesn't get seasick.
...messaging via bottle.
Apparently being accepted into the Danish Army is harder than it looks, even though the country is the size of a golf course and there is no draft. So my pioneer rabbit did the only thing he could, when he felt the call to guard the Queen's castle - became a fuzzy Danish Army Hat, the next best thing to actually being a soldier.
...infiltrating the Royal Danish army.
The oldest amusement park in the world, Tivoli Gardens, has it's charm and glamour. But when a high-flying ride to see the cityscape take a turn for the worse, my rabbit discovers the downside to not meeting the height requirement for "those rides". That will teach him to sneak in under my trench coat.
...amusement park casualties.
This has got to be one of my pioneer rabbit's more hair brained ideas. I told him "we're not auditioning for 'Jackass'" but he paid me no heed. So at dusk we drove out to the fields to find ourselves some cows and do ourselves some tipping.
...cow tipping.
My pioneer rabbit and I don't usually get very biblical, but after feasting so much over the holidays we decided to reenact the original feast: the last supper. Strangely enough, none of our dinner guests showed up, so it was a sad affair made brighter only by the uneaten mandarin oranges we had bought for the occasion. Better luck next time, rabbit.
...party crashing the last supper.
Many before us had tried. Many before us had failed. And in between there were certainly no shortage of glorious victories and tragic defeats between parents and children, young couples, and me and my pioneer rabbit. But in the end, we survived our trip to IKEA, richer several pieces of self-assemble furniture and a kilo of tea lights later.
...navigating IKEA.
Everything in Paris was pointy. The Eiffel Tower, the perfectly manicured trees, the baguettes, the Frenchie's sense of humor. But due to a previous issue with scaling tall buildings and tightropes, my rabbit had a restraining order on Paris' most famous spire and we were forced to gaze at it from afar.
...tourists in Paris.
After seeing one too many Siegfried and Roy reruns, my pioneer rabbit couldn't resist the smell of popcorn, peanuts and elephants anymore. We joined the circus and he quickly became a star of the show due to his small and flexible nature, excelling on both tightrope, acrobatics, sitting in the lion's mouth, and riding on top of other animals.
...performing in the circus.
I was surprised it had never come up before, but one weekend my Pioneer Rabbit declared he was off to a retreat. A bunny love retreat. I guffawed and told him not to get lost in the 1970's. As you can see, he made the most of his weekend doing what bunnies do best: love.
…making bunny love.
Another late night at the cemetery, another chance for the night to go completely awry. Suddenly, my pioneer rabbit was overcome by a blood sucking thirst and I was helpless against his Leporidae incisors as he leapt towards my jugular. Perhaps it was a latent memory of having watched Monty Python's crazed murdering bunny skit; perhaps it was a culmination hearing "how many eggs have you laid this year" at Easter; whatever it was, there was no getting out of this one.
…vampire disaster.
Crossing things off his bucket list at a breakneck speed, my pioneer rabbit was hellbent on getting some adrenalin via bungee jumping. No matter that his weight was FAR LESS than the average jumper, he used the extra spring to his full advantage and made a loop dee loop which had bystanders gasping in awe.
…bungee jumping up, down and all around.
Instead of being the subject of an adventure, me and my pioneer rabbit decided for once to be bystanders and take a trip out to extra terrestrial territory to spot some flying disks and foreign visitors. As luck would have it, our role as bystanders was short lived...
…sighting UFO.
Known for their spry flexible bodies and unique jumping nature, me and my pioneer rabbit decided that the balance beam was the best Olympic event to try our hand at. I mean, if they had offered carrot eating as an event that would clearly have been a close contender. Hopefully the judges don't deduct points for floppy ears.
…triple flipping on beam.
On our tropical ventures me and my pioneer rabbit came across the amazing size of a volcano spewing molten lava every which way, with a river of hot flowing rocks right before our feet. Or perhaps it was carrot juice, from a carrot juice mountain? Wishful thinking rabbit, that's how we get into trouble...
…chasing lava.
After days in the blistering sun and chilly nights curled up next to a parched cow skull, me and my pioneer rabbit could go no further. I left him at the waterhole and made off for what I hoped was the nearest town to get help.
…high desert survivors?
After so many scrapes and near misses, my pioneer rabbit decided to take a cue from the street artist Banksy and go a little more incognito - including always having some paint around to paint a getaway tunnel. Not a bad idea, rabbit!
…street artists.
It's surprising it took my pioneer rabbit to experience this adventure - in hindsight it should have been the first. However it's never too late to be sorely tempted...by chocolate, milkshakes, sleeping in, exotic vacations, or the original sin.
…sorely tempted.
It had been a long journey, but my rabbit had finally arrived after a transformative trip. I t was good to have him back, safe and cosy at home, thanks to a lift by his white winged friend.
…experiencing a rebirth.
As we boarded the jetliner headed west, me and my pioneer rabbit knew that we were embarking on another adventure that would be both wonderful and unpredictable. What lay in wait for us on the other side of the globe? Visions of burritos and sushi rolls danced in our eyes, but not everything is as easy as a trip to the nearest dinner locale. Only time would tell what riches our endeavors would bring us.
…on a transatlantic return.
One of the dangers, probably in the top five of dangerous things that can happen to you, when living in Denmark is being served a bowl of candy. Dangerous you ask? How so? While the candy bowl SHOULD be a place of joy and comfort, in Denmark it is a hidden trap for strong licorice. Licorice so strong that your entire throat constricts and your airway becomes compromised, all while the native laugh at your distress. It's a truly life-threatening experience.
…and the surprise licorice attack.
Not every adventure my pioneer rabbit embarks on is noteworthy, fantastic, daring, remarkable, or enlightening. Sometimes he just gets caught at the wrong place at the wrong time, and repercussions be darned. So that's why you might not have read about his latest brush with adventure, taking a turn in the tumbler.
…taking a turn in the tumbler.
After being attacked by surprise licorice, me and my pioneer rabbit decided to make our own surprise show in the grand American tradition of magic tricks. A stage, a hat, and a rabbit - what more could you need to wow audiences near and far? Pull the red curtain aside and be prepare to be amazed!
…turning magic tricks
Due to the secret nature of the secret nature of the annual rabbit convention, I offer no flowery details of morning buffets or team building faux pas. But as you can see, there were two flags, a rabbit hole, and rabbits as far as the eye can see.
…at the annual convention.
Stuck on euphenisms, my rabbit was particularly enamored with the digitally description for vomit, puke, barf, upchuck, spew - otherwise known as the technicolor yodel. Hurling rainbows from his gullet seemed much more palatable, and when you're feeling ill a little bit of magic rainbow visualization never hurt.
…and the technicolor yodel.
The lingering strains of the intro song for Lassie were still ringing in my ears when my rabbit happened into an eery mirror of Timmy falling into the well. Feeling desperately inadequate with his nose twitching skills and feet thumping signals, he waited with increasing anxiousness at the side of the well. What if nobody came to the rescue, and why oh why can't rabbits bark?
…finding Timmy.
We weren't sure if the tiger was real, but under the blistering sun on the endless waves of a winding novella, the twitching tail and purring growl seemed to be more than just a mirage. How, how to test if this was real or a figment of our imaginations?
…on a boat with a tiger.
During a hike in the jungle my rabbit unfortunately found himself caught in the middle of a Shel Silverstein poem with markedly less prose to ameliorate the situation. Oh gawd, it's up to my paw! Oh swelly, it's up to my belly! Oh dear, it's up to my ears…somehow didn't ring as well as the original.
…being eaten by a boa constrictor.
My pioneer rabbit and I looking for adventure.
…off to find our next adventure.